Biggest Regret

Hindsight is 20/20. 

I should have brought my 5 year old son on the trip with me.  (Excuse me, 5 1/2 year old son.  If you have a child this age, you KNOW why the 1/2 is important!)

I should have had a lot more faith in him, his intelligence and his emotional capacity than I did.

A little background: 

He is my biological son.  His father (my ex-H) is African (not Ethiopian, from a Southern African country).  He has grown up knowing about his relatives in Africa his whole life, but has never met them.  He asks very intelligent questions about Africa and likes to understand the differences.  I lived in Swaziland, but his Dad is from a different country so he wants to know how they are different but still all Africa.  He is extremely proud every time I go to one of his classes to talk about Swaziland. We all (Me, him, his Dad and older half-brother) live in a mostly white community in the Midwest. 

When debating whether to take him or not, a few things were the main factors.

• Cost.  Looking back now, this was a really dumb reason.  An extra $1200 in the whole scheme of things wouldn’t really have mattered much.
• Fear for his Reaction/Self-Evaluation.  He has not been exposed to a lot of black people in his life on a regular basis.  Having not been to Ethiopia before, I could only form an opinion based on what other people have said/written.  I was very afraid that he would see a destitute country of begging, extreme poverty, and sickness that he would characterize as the way African people (his people) are.  I didn’t want him to associate his heritage with negative or depressing feelings/emotions.  Having seen and experienced Ethiopia for myself, I realize this should not have been a major consideration at all.
• Travel/logistics in Ethiopia. I didn’t know the travel condition in-country, the accommodations, the ability to move about with a child, etc.   I was concerned about him toughing out less than ideal conditions.  Also shouldn’t have been a major consideration.

One of the biggest issues for him is trying to get a handle on why his brother’s family can no longer take care of him and why adoption resulted.  The explanation of “they are too poor” to feed, care for him is basically incomprehensible to him.  I really wish he could understand the difference between real poverty and his likely concept of being poor (no money to buy a toy every time we go to the store). 

As a side note, we went swimming the other day with his friend.  His friend asked if we could go to McDonald’s afterwards.  I said no because I didn’t bring any money for that.  The friend started whining.  My son jumped in and said, “Stop it.  My mom doesn’t go to her job now.  She doesn’t got any money.”  {I’m on unpaid FMLA leave at this point.}  Initially, I was quite proud of him.  Then I started to get worried that he might be thinking we would become poor if I spent all our money at McDonald’s and he would have to be placed for adoption. 

I think if he could have seen the conditions, he would understand more.  And, I think it would have increased his empathy for others and his appreciation for what he has.  There are so many positive things I saw, including the hardworking, loving nature of so many people that could have ballooned the pride he has in his African heritage.

Also, my impression of Ethiopia was not one of devastating poverty.  There were certainly opportunities to see sights that showed poverty and sickness, but I don’t think it was pervasive like some people make it out to be.  Of course, I lived in the bush of Swaziland for 2.5 years, so I may have a different perspective.

The in-country travel was not that bad.  I think the whole idea of kids going somewhere in a vehicle without their seatbelts on (and me allowing it to happen) may have set his whole view of the world off kilter, but other than that he would do fine.  The agency was very accommodating about getting us where we needed/wanted to be and I don’t think the addition of a 5 year old would have affected this.  However, he is a flexible child.  He is very low maintenance.  He likes camping and hiking.  I think he would’ve seen the potholes and crazy driving as an adventure.  I don’t think he would’ve cared if we had to wait a long time at the embassy as long as he had other kids to play with.

I think if he had been there, the transition for my new son would’ve been even smoother.  However, things are going very well.  There is so much mutual adoration between them.  (See photo documentation below.) The older one looks out for the little one like a mother hen and always refers to him as, “my baby brother.”  The younger one copies EVERYTHING the older one does.  The older one doesn’t even mind…even when his friends are over.  The friends have been given very firm instructions about what is or is not OK to do around or to HIS baby brother.

Honestly, reflecting back, the only thing that would concern me about him traveling with me is that I KNOW he would’ve been extremely concerned about the kids that were still at the orphanage when we left.  I don’t know if I would really be able to assure him that they do have families coming to get them soon (and, NO, we can’t take them home with us and just have their Mom and Dad pick them up at our house).

This is really the only major thing that I regret or wish I had done differently, but it is a BIG ONE. (I also wish I had taken my new son with me to visit his family, but that doesn’t weigh quite as heavily on me.)

Once this adoption stuff is paid off, we will keep living frugally so we can save up money for ALL of us to go back to Ethiopia.

They are like velcro brothers!

Swimming. Guess who’s the best boat tower around?

Laughing in bed instead of sleeping.

If one brushes, the other will.

The 2006 Strawberry King (and his helper elf).

The best stroller pusher around.

Showing off/bragging about his new brother at summer school.

Swinging together.

The best thing about having a brother?  A hiney softer than a pillow (apparently).