Waffling is a Sign
This entry is not about the adoption or Ethiopian travel, so you can go ahead and skip if you already have a referral. It’s an essay on encouraging you on being open to the possibilities and reaping amazing rewards as a result.
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I grew up in a family with four brothers and no sisters. I went to engineering school and the majority of my classmates were male. All of my study partners were male.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I really wanted a girl. I REALLY wanted a girl. REALLY. I didn’t want to find out the gender ahead of time because I was afraid I would be disappointed if the baby was not a girl. Well, during the ultrasound, the tech had trouble finding one of the vessels in the umbilical cord. And, you know what the umbilical cord lays next to! So, it was pretty easy for me to see that I was going to have a boy. I was not happy. I had imagined all kinds of wonderful things I would do with my daughter. Over the next couple months, I tried to focus on the perks of having a boy and, by the time he was born, I was pretty much OK.
Fast forward 6 years: I LOVE having a boy. While I understand there are all types of personalities and demeanors for girls, I am very glad my baby was a boy. He was so easy and fits with my personality so well.
- Hair: clipper it short, slap in some lotion-potion and go
- Toys: Bike and a pile of dirt and some sticks and he’s all set
- Emotions: straightforward, no manipulations
- Clothes: socks don’t need to match, not choosy about underwear cleanliness, no problem with hand-me-downs
- Shoes: two pairs only: sneakers and dressy hiking boots (actually 3 pairs, he also has flip-flops in the summer)
- Road Trips: Just need to find a bush, not a wayside
- Favorite souvenirs from my business trips: rocks (the gravel kind, not the diamond kind)
So, clearly I really lucked out. And, he’s one of the main reasons I decided to adopt a child.
- He’s so loving and I knew without a doubt he’d be an excellent big brother.
- How hard can parenting be? Look how great this one turned out.
- Based purely on the law of averages, there is NO way I could produce another bio-kid this spectacular!
One of the perks of adoption is that you may be permitted to specify the gender of the child. I went through most of the homestudy period absolutely sure that I wanted an infant girl. When I was approaching the end, I started waffling.
Waffle #1: My favorite ages with my first son were when he was a brand-new-newborn (up to 3 weeks) and whatever age he was when you asked me the question. When he was 10 months old, I thought 10 months was the “best age yet” because he just started walking, his personality was really coming out, etc. When he was 2 years old, I thought 2 was “the best age yet” because he could communicate with me, he initiated the most fabulous hugs, was a little helper, etc. When he was 5, 5 years old was “the best age yet” because he was independent, so proud of himself when he learned to read a new word, he could keep up better with adult activities (biking, skating). So, I thought to myself, “Why am I so fixated on an infant?” I knew I was not going to get a brand new newborn and whatever age the child I adopted was, I figured it would probably be “the best age yet!”
Waffle #2: I found myself trying to figure out if I really wanted a girl. I asked my 5-year old what his preference was (it usually changed 4-5 times per week). I actually wrote out a list of pros versus cons for a girl or boy (Man, I’m a nerd!). In the end, I realized that if I was getting so academic about boy versus girl, then clearly I was not absolutely sure that I needed a daughter. And, THAT was when I realized I needed to not eliminate half of the kids. If someone felt absolutely certain about one gender, then they should specify. My waffling and over-contemplation were clear signs to me that I was not passionate about this issue. So, in the end, my homestudy was written that I was approved for a child 0-3 years old with a preference for a girl less than 15 months.
The day my dossier was sent in, I saw my (then) 17-month old son on the WIC list. And, the rest is history.
Ironically enough, on my first trip to Ethiopia, I was most smitten with a 5 1/2 year old boy (unless you are one of my adoptive parent friends reading this, then what I meant to say was I was most smitten with your kid(s) THEN the 5 1/2 year old boy). On my second trip, the 5 1/2 year old boy from my first trip was still there so I was smitten all over again. However, there was also considerable competition to be number one on my Favorites List from a 7 1/2 year old boy. Kind of amazing how I was drawn to those kids about as far out of the ”female less than 15 months” scope as possible, eh?
The moral of the story is that I really wanted a daughter both times…initially. I think it was fate or divine intervention or whatever you believe in that I was gifted with boys. And, if you are waffling about gender, age, medical conditions, siblings, etc., then your heart is probably not set and you, too, should consider opening up your possibilities. Sorry, though, no matter how much you open up your possibilities, I already have the two greatest kids in the world! So you’ll have to settle for kids #3, 4 and 5.
Next time around, I might just skip the whole waffling bit and say, “0-8, open to gender.” Actually, no I won’t. I am so OVER the diaper business. It will probably say, “Potty-trained to 8, open to gender.” Or maybe not…maybe, “3 years-10 years, but no more than 3 siblings.” Crap. The waffling has already begun again!
